Today, 35 years ago on Christmas Eve, Los Angeles witnessed one of the most infamous terrorist attacks, a terror attack that even Trump would consider \"Naughty and not Nice\".
Now, rewind to the late 80s when Japanese auto companies were destroying their American competitors. They could produce better and cheaper cars, and they were dominating the streets like they were auditioning for a Fast and Furious spin-off, and American cars were struggling like a goldfish trying to compete in the Indy 500. These Japanese masterminds were on a shopping spree with the dollars they earned, buying up everything in sight, like a Black Friday shopper on crack and with an unlimited credit card. They were snatching up buildings faster than Brangelina were snatching kids.
Meantime, terrorist groups were popping up around the world faster than Starbucks opens one of its franchises in your neighborhood...the I.R.A in Ireland, and E.T.A in the Basque Country. The Left-wing radicals were swapping their '60s ideals as if they were trading Pokemon cards but for a new currency instead—cold, hard cash.
Again, remember this was the late 80s, so now, close your eyes and imagine this: big bangs hair, and shoulder pads so large you could land a plane on them. It was a time when relationships were more fragile than a Jenga tower during an earthquake, and moving to LA for a career opportunity was easier than beating Michael J. Fox at Jenga?
(PS: for this joke, I’ve considered: \"surviving a hunting trip with Dick Cheney\" but Cheney really likes his guns plus he has good aim, Michael on the other hand ...)
But this is a tale of redemption, wrapped in a violent, explosive bow. And all of this unfolded on Christmas Eve—the same night we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the redeemer, who also came after a \"big bang”, if you know what I mean, but hey, if Maria said “An angel appeared and got me pregnant but I’m still a Virgin”, who am I to judge?
A tale of redemption—through violence. So let’s raise a glass (of eggnog, of course) to two true American heroes.
First up, a cop from New York City—a smoker and a terrible husband, who has been on desk duty for almost a decade when he mistook a toy gun for the real deal and killed a kid. Then, there’s our second hero—an overweight beat cop from Los Angeles, the only guy who can make a Twinkie look like a health food...because, in the '80s, even our cops were rocking dad bods before it was cool. Together, these two unlikely heroes managed to put the brakes on one of the most epic hostage situations in U.S. history at …The Nakatomi Building.
So, as we gather around the holiday table, let’s raise our glasses to these true American heroes—the ones who reminded us that even in the midst of chaos, there’s always room for a little laughter and say: Merry Yippee-ki-yay, Christmas motherfuckers!
America salutes you, and we’ll never forget the Christmas Eve you turned Nakatomi into a winter wonder-blast!!
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