At this point, you might have sniffed that I’ve been keeping in secret the identity of my sidekick, whom I cryptically call 'J.' Why the secrecy, you ask? Well, J isn’t just your average Jane; she’s a superhero. And what’s her superpower, you might ask again? Enough with the questions...
Well, besides making leggings look effortlessly chic, she’s got this nifty time-bending thing going on, that is right, she is a Time-Bender. J has an innovative approach to halting the relentless march of time, I witnessed how she screams at her cell phone when the alarm goes off at 7 am on a Saturday.
“NEVEReeeerrr!”
Desperate times call for desperate snoozures – anything to squeeze out that elusive extra hour of beauty sleep. And she is fucking gorgeous so how many hours has she slept?
So, we’re all set for a thrilling ferry ride to Alcatraz Island...
STOP TIME.
(It might be contagious, stopping the time I meant)
Did you honestly thought she’d pass on the sausage sandwich at Starbucks? That would be like ignoring a dwarf saying hi to you at Golden Bridge, not on my watch. You just stop and politely say hi back and ask for her family. Life sometimes throws you these “little surprises”. (Events based on a true story)
In the spirit of sparing you the agony of reading about “J's daily tongue-burning sandwich saga”, seriously, it’s become a daily event – Thursday, Friday, Today, and brace yourselves, Sunday still awaits so...
FAST FOWARD TO:
(I perform magical moves invoking my writer’s powers, moves that could make Madonna jealous. The singer not the painting)
PS: Attempting this at home might result in turning your cat into a sarcastic owl.)
We arrived at Alcatraz Island where the same officer that works at Yogi Bear Park welcomes us, weird. But hey, I’m getting into a former maximum-security prison on my own account to do some touristy stuff so...
Alcatraz the very same place where Al Capone, the infamous American gangster, spent his last years in Alcatraz strumming along with the prison’s banjo band. With over 200 murders, including the St. Valentine's Day Massacre he goes away for not paying taxes.
I.R.S MOTTO should be: Fuck around & Find Out!
Alcatraz affects its visitors differently: some leave stunned, others amazed, and a few just sad they didn’t bring extra snacks! The self-audio-guide they provide is amazingly designed. Inmates and officers narrate the many stories of daily life, struggles, failed escapes, and successful escapes (if you count that one time Sean Connery escaped in THE ROCK, a film with Nicholas \"CAGE\", a coincidence? I don’t think so.)
But let’s be real, the vibe was so odd even the seagulls were side-eyeing each other. Bro, we were having fun taking pictures in the cells where inmates would be locked in for life. At the same time, most of the prison’s employees and their families lived on the island, children would play around and grow up peacefully.
The last testimony from the audio guide was that of a man who had not received any visit or letter for 15 years. No one was waiting for him, and he had nowhere to go when he got the boot...speaking of, J was already tapping her foot, done with the Tour, and ready to escape!
Indians were first. You might have heard that Native Americans were, and are the OG’s, with no reservations! And while Game of Thrones character’s HODOR, Hold the Door. The Indians, Hold the Rock! In 1969 and for 19 months a movement called Indian Nation, representing the name of \"Indians of All Tribes\" occupied the Island, the occupation gave birth to a political movement that continues today. In the other side of the island, there’s a mind-blowing expo featuring pics of the Native American movement.
As we sailed back on the ferry, I was knocked up with Native American history thanks to those powerful photos. Meanwhile, my co-pilot J was plotting its delicious demise the moment we stepped off the boat to have a passionate affair with a bowl of Clam Chowder.
To shed those post-meal energy calories, the universal wisdom is take a stroll. But why not elevate the game by munching on donuts while strolling? So, for our grand dessert finale, we opted for mini donuts. I announced the choices like a seasoned donut auctioneer: 6, 12, and 18 – and then... the DELUX option – a donut bucket drenched in 20 pounds of sugar. Because why settle for dessert when you can have a sugar-induced coma? I can’t confirm nor deny that a grunt was heard:
Buckeettt!!!
Worn out from the stroll, or maybe just drained from hauling around the equivalent of two sumo wrestlers in donuts through our bloodstream, we took a seat to give our feet a break before they unionized and demanded hazard pay.
As we were seated on that bench, thinking about life's greatest themes, like free will or diabetes, the sunlight decided to join dancing through the Wonder Wheel's axles creating a shadow so flawless, that even Instagram filters would be jealous. I was on the verge of capturing a Kodak moment when this family of three decided to channel their inner Kardashians and got in the middle. No wonder Macaulay Culkin STAYED Home Alone, he was sick of so many photos, poor Kid. That photo session would have made Gisele Bündchen reevaluate her modeling career.
And there I was, navigating in my own absurdity when out of nowhere, a superhero straight from the cornfields of Nebraska, came to my rescue. Decked out in nothing but tight leggings, and a bucket of donuts,
J, my personal superhero, swoops in and puts an end to the toddler photo madness faster than you can say with a mouth full of donuts “Worcestershire”.
It was a moment so magical, that even the absurdity took a backseat allowing me to capture that beautiful snapshot.
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